Let me tell you right now, it's not easy being a Yankee fan these days. To top it off, it's not easy being in the witness protection program either. I'm stuck with both!

I was last seen playing in a pick up basketball game in West Fourth Street in downtown Greenwich Village Manhattan last April. My laptop was stolen, my PC confiscated and all my floppy disks lost! Not to mention my Zip disks.

Just wanted to thank Joe and Angela for signing me to a deal worth well over $1.5 million per year for three years. I have a clause in my contract that states if my column gets over a 1,000 hits per week, I earn an extra $50G. Hey even Pat Riley said this weekend, "every coach should be able to take one year off!"

Congrats go out to Stan Van Gundy who will take over the helm in Miami.

Do you think Bill Parcells could shop for the groceries at a D-1 football school and win?

Scott Drew, good luck at Baylor. I'm sure he'll be scouring the area for some bodies to fill that bench.

My peeps in Champaign tell me Dee Brown is going to have a great season under new head coach Bruce Weber.

Let's see how good Xavier is this year without David "4-year" West. Watch for Romain Sato to have a break out year.

So Pitino gets another big time recruit in Sebastian Telfair out of Coney Island. How about Reggie Theus being added as an assistant coach with the Cards?

Speaking of adding assistant coaches, how about Gary Grant being hired at San Diego State?

And one more, Patrick Ewing is on board with the Houston Rockets as an assistant under Jeff Van Gundy. He'll work with Yao, but also help out Kelvin Cato.

What in the world is up with these camera phones?

Where do you think that poor Cubs fan is right now?

Antoine Walker, please be quiet and play some defense, and get a rebound. Danny Ainge runs the Celtics, that's all you need to know. You're lucky Nellie wanted you.

Omar Cook was cut once again from an NBA team. College boys, stay in school!

Colgate is going to start giving scholarships to their athletes. Yo Foyle, they owe you some dough!

Liza Minnelli beat up her husband. What a chump. Swing back!

Wal-Mart was raided; they had some illegal nine to fivers.

When Yankee relief pitcher Jeff Weaver gave up that walk-off HR against the Marlins, he first thing that came to mind was; "Where is "El-Duque"?

Austin Pea alum Trent Hassell was cut by the Bulls.

Movie review: Scary Movie 3 - Pam Anderson and Jenny "Not Funny" McCarthy are in it. That alone tells you to save your $$$$.

Please let's have a moment of silence for Fred Berry who passed away last week.

Grasshopper's Top Six for 2003-2004
1-UConn
2-Missouri
3-Michigan State
4-Arizona
5-Duke
6-St. Joe's

I'm out like Grady Little!