In the last few days I received a few emails suggesting that I provide some pigskin analysis of my own, in the form of football film reviews.

I also received an email wondering if perhaps if I was moonlighting as an offensive tackle. I tell you what, you put me at one tackle and Iona's Jeff Ruland at the other end of the line and that would be a pretty impressive set of bookends.

That gave me the idea to assemble my own squad, which will take on all comers. So all you young, think-you're-tough, pretty boys, lets go to war.

I'll round out the offensive front with Montana's Pat Kennedy, Cincinnati's Bob Huggins and Purdue's Gene Keady. Talk about size and girth. I'd like to see a group of defenders line up against us.

I'll put my good-friend at the University of San Diego, Brad Holland at the tight end position. Brad is still a tremendous athlete and if he can catch a football like he can shoot the basketball, we will have a distinct advantage.

At the wide receivers, Iowa's Steve Alford will be my possession receiver. Coach Alford is a part of the pre-game show for all Iowa Hawkeye home football games so he has a good feel for the game.

And I'll go with Drexel's Bruiser Flint on the other side. Bruiser can run "Fly" patterns.

In the backfield, I am going to call upon Niagara's Joe Mihalich as the lead blocker, clearing the way for Bowling Green's Dan Dakich. Dan is not a prototypical tailback, but anyone that writes a column titled, "Total Ass Kicking" can play on my team.

At quarterback, I'll go with the veteran presence of Jacksonville's Hugh Durham. I realize that coach Durham isn't quite as quick and nimble as he once was, but Hugh was a heck of a football player in his day, recruited by the University of Kentucky as a halfback and quarterback, in the mid 1950's. In the 1950's Kentucky was a college football powerhouse.

My special team's specialist will be Oklahoma's Kelvin Sampson. What Kelvin lacks in size and girth he more than makes up for with fiery attitude and a passion for competition. There is no question that Kelvin will knock someone into tomorrow during the course of this contest.

Our coach will be college basketball's Dabney Coleman, Craig Esherick. Craig looks like he could still get out there and play and there is no question that he knows how to work officials.

Okay pretty boys, lets line up?

FIRST QUARTER

The young punks, sorry I meant the young pretty boy coaches, won the coin toss and have elected to receive.

EVERYBODY'S ALL-AMERICAN Buzz Peterson (Tennessee) opens the game through the air.

This is a tremendous film, starring Dennis Quaid who plays Gavin Gray (The Gray Ghost), an LSU All-American who must adapt to life after football. Jessica Lange is terrific as Quaid' wife who sticks with him, through thick and thin. If you look carefully, you will see former NFL greats, Cliff Branch and Raymond Chester in the film.

Good play call Buzz.

Pretty Boys 7, Mean Machine 0

Our offensive approach is to use our tremendous size and over power the younger guys. And despite all of their pre-game trash talk, we discover that they are only SEMI-TOUGH.

Burt Reynolds (Billy Clyde Puckett) and Kris Kristofferson (Shake Tiller) both want to win and both want the owner's daughter, played by Jill Clayburgh. Adapted from Dan Jenkins excellent book, this film was a box office hit. NFL greats Paul Hornung, Ed "Too Tall" Jones and Joe Kapp have cameos in the movie.

Pretty Boys 7, Mean Machine 7

On their second drive, the Pretty Boys start to come undone. Ruland and I are wrecking havoc in their backfield and they look more like James Caan in THE PROGRAM.

Released in 1993, this film disappointed. The football scenes were pretty good, but the story wandered and was bogged down with a parallel love story sub-plot. However, Halle Berry is always a wonderful site on the screen.

This film is four and out and we force a punt.

As the first quarter ticks down, my team displays ALL THE RIGHT MOVES and scores again.

Tom Cruise stars in this outstanding movie, filmed on location in Johnstown, PA. A great depiction of life in Western Pennsylvania and how, often, the only ticket out the mines is football. Craig T. Nelson, of TV's "Coach," plays the head football coach and Lea Thompson is delightful to gaze upon.

If Tom Cruise can score with Ms. Thompson, then we can easily score on the Pretty Boys soft defense.

Mean Machine 14, Pretty Boys 7

SECOND QUARTER

Early in the second quarter the Pretty Boys drive down to our one-yard line. In the huddle Bob Huggins demands that we make this THE LONGEST YARD for the young punks.

This was a terrific film, which stars Burt Reynolds (Paul Crewe) who is former football star who lands in jail after fixing a game. Crewe is put in charge of forming a football team (Mean Machine), made up of convicts, to play against the prison guard's semi-pro team. This is a very entertaining film, which is a must see.

Magarity's Mean Machine holds the Pretty Boys to a field goal.

Mean Machine 14, Pretty Boys 10

In an attempt to change the flow of the game, the Pretty Boys opt for a little assistance from a member of the media. Having spent many a night in post game press conferences, I can tell you that there is not a lot of tremendous athletic talent firing off questions. What is this, the PAPER LION?

Based on George Plimpton's best-seller, this film features Alan Alda who portrays Plimpton who actually went to training camp with the Detroit Lions. The sports writer even suits up and plays in an exhibition game against the Cardinals. Detroit Lion stars Alex Karras, Mel Farr and others round out the cast. Boxing legend, Sugar Ray Robison also appears in the film.

But putting a journalist in the lineup doesn't help the Pretty Boy's cause. The end result is another punt by the young dapper punks.

Unable to generate any offense, and with their defense looking pitiful, the Pretty Boys put in a new wrinkle, taking a page of our VARSITY BLUES.

Not a bad film, but not a classic by any stretch of the chains either. John Voight does give a tremendous performance as a high school football coach, in Texas, obsessed with winning. Quarterback James Van Der Beek is treated to a wonderful sight from his girlfriend who sports a bikini made out of whipped cream. What a tremendous job by the costume department.

With their defensive captain, Florida's Billy Donovan barking out "whipped cream," we are distracted and the result is an interception by the Pretty Boys.

Tennessee's Buzz Peterson, feeling a change in momentum, uses his SCHOOL TIES to add a little more punch to their attack.

Brendan Fraser gives a nice performance as a highly recruited quarterback who has visions of leading his prep school team to a title and landing a scholarship to Harvard. Set in the 1950's, this film deals with the racism, love and loyalties. Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and Chris O'Donnell also star.

Good movie, good play call.

Pretty Boys 17, Mean Machine 14

With just seconds remaining in the first half, we decide to attempt an 85-yard field goal. And the only one that could provide such a strong leg is GUS.

A terrific humorous Disney film, which stars Ed Asner, Don Knotts, Tim Conway, Gary Grimes, Dick Butkus and a mule from Yugoslavia that comes to America to kick field goals for the California Atoms.

Oyich!

Pretty Boys 17, Mean Machine 17

HALFTIME

During the intermission, both teams look to make adjustments. And there are also plenty of motivational speeches.

Al Pacino's speech in ANY GIVEN SUNDAY is one that I have actually used, here at Marist.

I thought this Oliver Stone film was tremendous. Pacino, Cameron Diaz, Dennis Quaid, James Woods, Jamie Foxx, LL Cool J, Jim Brown, Lawrence Taylor, Ann-Margaret, Matthew Modine and Charlton Heston all star in this film. It's a nice behind-the-scenes look at the game of professional football, from the wild parties to the battles between the coaches and the front office.

There are also plenty of emotion-stirring speeches in REMEMBER THE TITANS. Denzel Washington stars in this film based on the true story of the integration of the T.C. Williams High School football players in 1971 Virginia. Washington plays real life coach Herman Boone. It's an excellent movie.

When it comes to stirring the emotions, few sports films touch the heart better than BRIAN'S SONG. It's the tragic story of Chicago Bears fullback Brian Piccolo and his friendship with teammate Gale Sayers. It's based on Sayers book, "I Am Third." James Caan gives a tremendous performance as Piccolo and Billy Dee Williams plays Gale Sayers.

In the Pretty Boys locker room, they opt for the "win one for the Gipper," speech, as depicted in KNUTE ROCKNE, ALL-AMERICAN.

This is nice biography of Notre Dame's legendary coach. Ronald Reagan plays George Gipp and TV's "Superman," George Reeves appears as one of the star players. Famous coaches Howard Jones, Glenn 'Pop' Warner, Amos Alonzo Stagg and Bill Spaulding have cameos.

THIRD QUARTER

We open the second half with a sustained ground attack and drive the ball down the NORTH DALLAS FORTY.

Based on the book by ex-Cowboys flanker Pete Gent, it's the story of how dehumanizing and painful athletic competition can be whether you succeed or not. Some feel it's the best football movie ever made. Nick Notle is terrific.

After pounding the Pretty Boys on the ground, we open it up and send Bruiser Flint on a "Fly" pattern. And Bruiser streaks into the end zone like Rod Tidwell in JERRY MAGUIRE.

This is a terrific film about the sports agent and life in the NFL. Tom Cruise and Cuba Gooding, Jr. are outstanding. ESPN's Stuart Scott likes to say, "boo-ya," a line that Cuba coined in this film. The final catch by Gooding's character, Rod Tidwell, took six stunt doubles, 22 takes and half the night to get right.

Bruiser finally finishes his end zone dance and we kick the extra-point.

Mean Machine 24, Pretty Boys 17

Still desperate to get their offense going, the Pretty Boys opt for THE REPLACEMENTS.

Based on the NFL strike of 1987, and those who had to replace the players on strike, this film has its humorous moments and some outstanding cheerleader sequences.

The cheerleaders prove to be distracting and while us married guys don't attempt to score with the pom-pom girls, the Pretty Boys do score.

Mean Machine 24, Pretty Boys 24

The flashy and dapper young, single guys must think they are heaven, after tying the game. But we have a message for them -- HEAVEN CAN WAIT.

This is one of my all-time favorite films, which was nominated for nine Academy Awards. Warren Beatty became the first person since Orson Welles to be nominated for best actor, best screenplay, best director and best picture. If you have not seen this film, go out and rent it or buy it today.

While you are running to the video store, I am running over people, on a tackle-eligible play, into the end zone.

Mean Machine 31, Pretty Boys 24

FOURTH QUARTER

The final quarter begins with bone-jarring hit, courtesy of Niagara's Joe Mihalich who separates the ball carrier from the football.

Things are looking good for the iron men now. But the Pretty Boys counter with a defensive surprise in RUDY.

This inspirational true-story stars Sean Astin as Rudy Ruettiger who is determined, no matter what the cost, to play football for the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. Lack of size and ability did not stop him from working hard and achieving his goal.

These traits are displayed by the Pretty Boys who punch it into the end zone and have the audacity to run a successful a two-point conversion play.

Pretty Boys 32, Mean Machine 31

With just over ten minutes remaining, Bowling Green's Dan Dakich screams out that it's time for a "Total Ass Kicking." Dakich demands the ball on every play and displays the intensity of JIM THORPE-ALL-AMERICAN.

Burt Lancaster is tremendous is in this true story about one of the greatest athletes of all-time. The script follows Thorpe from his youth on an Oklahoma reservation through his years as the star athlete for Pennsylvania's Carlisle Indian School, coached by Pop Warner. In my days at St. Francis (PA), there were many times that I drove past the Carlisle school.

Western Pennsylvania toughness prevails as we drive right down the field and score.

Mean Machine 38, Pretty Boys 32

Now we've got the ball and the lead and it's beginning to look like a BLACK SUNDAY for the Pretty Boys.

When it was released, in 1977, the concept seemed very far-fetched. But given the current climate, the idea of international terrorists attempting to attack the Super Bowl is a chilling thought. Screen great Robert Shaw stars in this movie.

After eating up precious time, we punt the ball away. We'll rely on our defense to close this one out.

The Pretty Boys show signs of life and drive the ball into Mean Machine territory as the clock winds down to the TWO-MINUTE WARNING.

Here is another film dealing with security issues on Super Bowl Sunday, which stars Charlton Heston. Martin Balsam, Beau Bridges, Marilyn Hassett, David Janssen and Jack Klugman also star in this story of a sniper who threatens the packed house.

A couple of trick plays and the Pretty Boys have a first and goal, with less than a minute remaining. Now its time for us to show who the "Big Dogs" are. The Pretty Boys think they are the big boys, but they are really just LITTLE GIANTS.

Rick Moranis and Ed O'Neill star in this entertaining formula comedy in "The Bad News Bears" vein. This a great film to watch with the children.

So it all comes down to this, fourth and goal with just three seconds remaining in the game. There is time for one play to decide who is NUMBER ONE.

Charlton Heston plays Cat Catlan, in this film about an aging New Orleans Saints quarterback who attempts a come back. It's not the greatest script, but it's not a bad film either. Any film with Charlton Heston is always worth watching.

And as for that final play, Billy Donovan tried to use a little hair gel on his hands to ensure he would hold onto the pass, but the veteran Hugh Durham showed that the old guys can still stick somebody, as he displayed his own version of the Fred Williamson "Hammer."

Incomplete pass.

Final Score: Mean Machine 38, Young Punks 32

Did you really think we lose to a collection of hair-gel using guys?